Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Every haunted house movie:
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
the Monday after daylight savings
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.