Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?