If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction