INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
water it, i dare you
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.