Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
me doing my best
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
We like the way Dwight thinks
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger