Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Home is where your toilet is.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s