You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.