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Itโs the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
โI will love you forever.โ She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and Iโm taking this as an act of war so tomorrow Iโm sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
my retirement plan is braless
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your rรฉsumรฉ?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why Iโm starting to hate Twitterโฆ
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I donโt have to โactโ cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy โฆ
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesnโt fit in my main handbag
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.