Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
fourth time’s the charm
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
23. the denim jacket
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet