Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
You Might Also Like
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
😂🤣😂🤣
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.