I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”