Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.