under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.