Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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I’m about to risk it all
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
#Thanos #MondayMood
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that