A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’