*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
OH. COME. ON.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I was bored.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Encore…
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos