Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)