Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Some people were born into their job.
my dog when i have a friend over
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Peter Parker Peter Driver
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
who wore it better?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?