3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Terribly Tuesday.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Every BBC series about the universe.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect