Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.