[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
accurate
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees