Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.