I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
You Might Also Like
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.