I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work