On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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A French press is when you hug naked
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.