Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-