“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
You Might Also Like
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
my first dose meeting my second
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
5 ways to appear taller
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that