LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
ok hear me out: Luigiana
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified