*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse