when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?