I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Two types of dogs.
spot the difference