The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
You Might Also Like
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Made something I’m not proud of
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.