Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
You Might Also Like
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Never ghost your hitman.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”