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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?