I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Encore…
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Sign of the day..
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.