[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.