8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes