Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Raisins are grape jerky.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.