I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
This is so me 😂😂
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.