Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
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Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I don鈥檛 use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Let鈥檚 find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What鈥檚 wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
i鈥檓 sure it鈥檚 fine
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
It鈥檚 so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Get a dog they said 鈥hey never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
馃槼馃槼馃槼鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍馃お馃お
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you鈥檙e her 4th
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what鈥檚 beeping.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.