Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Bringing home a sharpie
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on