My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
You Might Also Like
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.