*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.