Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
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he’s doing your taxes
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.