*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.