I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.