Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.