SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Deer are just ballerina dogs
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Never let them know your next move 😂
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Happy weekend !
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.