13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob