Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I identify as an antique shop.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
podcasts
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
A friend sent me this.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets